Reality check

Today is the collapse of me.
been good at pretending it didn't hurt. Or didn't hurt too bad. but today I cant pretend.
Too weak to distract myself. Wild thoughts going through my mind cant erect barriers.
tears streaming and all the rest of it. So ridiculously cliché.
today it fucking HURTS.
I should have seen it coming but I just didn't thoughtI could not crack this time round. Hold it all bottled in, stored away until it would just be a memory.
why does reality always has to come bite you in the ass when you least want it or in this case need it? todayI cant deludee myself, cant pretend im ok, im over it or whatever pleasant bullshit that makes me believe im strong, in control.
I've closed doors and now im banging my head on those damn doors. wish i could go back. kinda. not really.I dont know. would be easier. wouldnt be so lonely, or lost i think
oh well.. onward and upward in a trail of tears.
at some point i'll stop being miserable, and angry for feeling miserable in the mean time, all i can think of, all i can feel is how much it fucking hurts