Boobie Trap

I've realised this morning while I was getting dressed that I've got big boobs. Not that I never noticed before (duh!), but because they're part of my anatomy I tend to forget about then, in the same way I forget I'm wearing glasses because they're always on my nose. I have big boobs, huge, ginormous breasts.
When I was a teenager, instead of cute pastel colored cotton bras, I was stuck with white synthetic grannies stuff because the other alternative: lacy sexy grown up stuff was not deemed appropriate by my somewhat (very) prude guardian who, because bras for larger cups women were expensive, had me at her mercy. I was fine with my bigger-than-the girls-in-my-class breast, until the "it's immodest/to big to be decent/ it's too womanly/it'll attract undue attention and lead to your downfall" remarks became too much to bear, and I wore nothing but oversize tops for a while.
But big boobs can only be hidden for so long, if only because they are staring at you all the time, jumping out of your chest, and after getting rid of a few hung ups, my boobs and I are happy together having replaced the granma stuff by a collection of colourful (black is a colour) and lacy bras .
There are the odd days when I wish they were smaller so I could wear those cute low cut, backless numbers that only (in my views) a smaller chest can do justice to, but that wont stop me flaunting my cleavage. I've discovered ugly bras make beautiful cleavage!
Oh that cleavage... attention seeking cleavage. I guess it's that slit in the middle that attract the eye. I've seen some men drool, some trying their best to look me in the eye and fail (brownie points for trying though), I've been ask for cuddles, I've been groped (in the underground in Paris, the train in Italy). I attract children to me because my néné's big. I am "comfortable" and huggable they say. I've even been advised breat reduction surgery by an aunt of mine because she said as if revealing a secret: you know your breat are big!
At least I'm proportionate is my silent answer. Big hair, big eyes, big breast and big ass and if you continue bugging me i'll be big mouthed too.

Reality check

Today is the collapse of me.
been good at pretending it didn't hurt. Or didn't hurt too bad. but today I cant pretend.
Too weak to distract myself. Wild thoughts going through my mind cant erect barriers.
tears streaming and all the rest of it. So ridiculously cliché.
today it fucking HURTS.
I should have seen it coming but I just didn't thoughtI could not crack this time round. Hold it all bottled in, stored away until it would just be a memory.
why does reality always has to come bite you in the ass when you least want it or in this case need it? todayI cant deludee myself, cant pretend im ok, im over it or whatever pleasant bullshit that makes me believe im strong, in control.
I've closed doors and now im banging my head on those damn doors. wish i could go back. kinda. not really.I dont know. would be easier. wouldnt be so lonely, or lost i think
oh well.. onward and upward in a trail of tears.
at some point i'll stop being miserable, and angry for feeling miserable in the mean time, all i can think of, all i can feel is how much it fucking hurts

The Day My Father Died

The day my father died
I could not cry;
My mother cried,
Not I.

His face on the pillow
In the dim light
Wrote mourning to me,
Black and white.

We saw him struggle,
Stiffen, relax;
The face fell empty,
Dead as wax.

I'd read of death
But never seen.
My father's face, I swear,
Was not serene;

Topple that lie,
However appealing:
That face was abscence
Of all feeling.

My mother's tears were my tears,
Each sob shook me:
The pain of death is living,
The dead are free.

For me my father's death
Was my mother's sorrow;
That day was her day,
Loss was tomorrow.

Mervyn Morris The Pond, 1973

Post Betrayal

Want to trust again. Me. You. Us.

Want to stop my mind going back over and over again to that moment when my heart sank.
Want to get back to the surface of love and not drown in the murky waters of jealousy, anger, bitterness and doubt.
It's been a while, but today everything reminds me that you hurt me.
A comment on the tv, the shape of clouds
the taste of a square of chocolate.

Today I don't have much faith. In me, you, us or the rest of humanity for that matter.
People (some) say:
It's all pure and simple
It's black or white
If I were you I wouldn't... If I were you I would...
Experts of all sorts, are you any happier than me?
Do you follow your own advice?

The tale of my real fairy life:
Dirty and complicated
All shades of grey
As I am me I will.. do whatever I decide to, change my mind and change my mind again.
Whether I trust you, us, again only time and I will tell.

Tomorrow I will have faith. In me, you, maybe even the rest of humanity.
Some days, everything reminds me of how much I love you still
a comment on tv, the shape of clouds
the taste of a square of chocolate.

Here we go then...

This is me. Haven't changed much since that picture was taken. The eyes are still mischievous, the cheeks still baby-like and I am as curious and opinionated as when i was 7. Only have more doubts, more questions and less satisfying answers. Not sure why I've created this blog but I guess in time things will shape themselves out.
It feels a bit odd and very self indulgent to be claiming a space dedicated to dear old me and whatever happens.

I don't know what will happen here. Bits and bobs, thoughts and rantings, whatever crosses my mind at the time. Work in process...